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moose hi5
earlymisty
So I'm not bigger than my boyfriend.

Chillin by th pool
sunset
earlymisty

Hey what's up I'm just chillin by the pool, gettin my tan on, hot damn, tryin to feel sexy, in a paint splattered bikini, c'mon why don't you text me, you beautiful, I wanna be beautiful too, like the infinite, changing skies bring brilliant colors, silver & gold edged clouds break through the cosmic atmosphere, reaching out towards me, heaven reveals itself unto thine fortunate eyes, so far away, please take me there some day, when I am ready, to feel what it is, to be a cloud, ever so high, whispering in the air, floating, vanishing, in and out of existence, what is it like to see all at once a living, breathing world?

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short hair on girls
moose hi5
earlymisty

I fear that if I were to ever cut off my dreads and have short hair, then I would look like a boy.

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Spat out candy
moose smile
earlymisty

Oh my gosh, finally I have some time for myself to post!!! First time I’ve ever finished reading early.

So last night I almost lost it. Fuck, I keep screwing up at night, it sucks. I made a yummy salad for dinner, scarffed that down with lotsa water of course. Lex came home from Denva, which gave me the opportunity to use his car and go grocery shopping. I got everything on the list I posted a few days ago. I also stopped at WF and was guna get a muffin and a cookie, but they were all out of the vegan ones :(, so I just got those yummy wasabi peas.

Ugh, so I got home from the store and at a bunch of wheat thins, some veggie Pirate’s Booty, and almost three effing Clif bars by the time I went to bed. Also ate some wasabi peas. Doesn’t sound like much, but I continued to eat and eat even though I wasn’t hungry anymore. WTF. Forgot to mention also that I had been fcuking up the entire day. At work, B surprised me with Mambas and a bag of pistachios. Oh, those effing pistachios, I love them and hate them at the same time. I ate like half the bag. FCUKKKKKK 

and shit, there it is again. Once I start to feel good about myself and think I’m thin, some super skinny bitch has to walk by…. Seems to happen every day! But I’m getting there. Slowly. Up, same chick just walked by again! :/ ….

I have been spitting out candy. B got me those Mambas, I never actually eat/swallow them cos I’d eat them all, be sick to my stomach, my bloodsugar level would skyrocket and I would gain of course….

Shti, I gotta get to class. Hoping I have more time to post today. <3


Need to replace my broken scale
sunset
earlymisty

Where's the best place I can find a cheap, reliable scale? Any suggestions on brands, styles, etc? Thanks :)

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Broke the fast slightly
moose hi5
earlymisty

Yesterday I didn't eat until 21 came around. I couldn't take it anymore, watching the boys eat their left over zza n Core with his hugeass sandwich. What made it worse was I was looking at different vegan recipes online....
So I went downstairs to do something. Fcuk to eat of course, what else would I possibly do downstairs?! Made a tiny spinach and carrot salad with balsamic vinny. Ate that and then ate a couple more pieces of spinach. That wasn't so bad, right? But shiz, I hate eating so late...

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So it continues
moose hi5
earlymisty

FML today really sucked! I went the whole morning without food, even went on a long walk, which turned into an actual hike, with Lex and Moose. Got home and stayed away from that stupid cake for as long as I could, but that didn't last of course.
I had to take Lex to work and then I somehow wound up at work. Smoked with my boss and fed the ducks at the creek. Fcuk it I ate some of that bread, a couple bites here and there... When we got back, there was a chocolate cake sitting in my boss' office. I said I'd take a piece home for Lex- that was a lie. Instead I ate most the frosting and a few bites of it on the way home, then threw the rest in the dumpster.
Still not finished... I ate a couple bites more of the white birthday cake, then purged as much of that as I could.
No sooner after purging I came back downstairs and started to make the rest of the Mex fake meat and added spinach to that. I ate the whole fucking thing and then felt like shit again. WTF is wrong with me?!
I watched tv for awhile and just tried to hang out. My hw was stressing me out- we are supposed to be discussing these reading s next week and I have no idea which ones we already did and I can't remember which ones to read, so I can't do my hw. I couldn't concentrate so guess what I decided to do? Fcukin went out to go get Good Times French fries. Yeah, drove down the street and got those. Ate that when I got home and them of course purged it all. Think I even got up more chocolate cake from earlier too.

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(no subject)
moose hi5
earlymisty

Fcuk everyone's talking about how much food they had to eat on Thanksgiving and how upset they are. Since I'm vegan I barely had anything to eat at two separate Thanksgivings and I'm still upset. FML I came back to grandma's that night and binged on crap. Did the same thing the next day but worse!
Yesterday before I left grandma's, I started by eating some chocolate covered cookie things and spit those out onto a paper towel. I thought doing that would curb my binge but no. I then ate some TORTILLA CHIPS!!!! with hot sauce on them. I just stood there in the kitchen at the table eating that shit. FML
Then I thought that I could fix it by eating a little bowl of soupy oatmeal. Did that. Oh yeah I also was snacking on my stupid vegan pumpkin pie that my mom had me take home. Half a pie I had to take home because only four people weren't skeptical about a vegan pie tasting bad. It tasted damn good, which is why I stood there eating it. And then I was tempted by Oreos. I chewed up two and spit those out onto a paper towel. I grabbed another one thinking my grandma was still in the Bathroom, but I turned around to go get a paper towel and she was standing right there and I had to finish eating it. I left her house like 2 minutes later, why the hell did I eat all that crap?!?
I got home an hour later to the massive birthday cake sitting on the kitchen counter. Fcuk so even though I knew that has eggs, milk, and a shit ton of sugar, I still went ahead to break open the plastic box and started eating some of the frosting! WTFFFF!!! Why did I do that?! Ugh I wasn't thinking and I kept going back for more even though my stomach started to hurt. And I ate more pie. Seriously fcuk my life.
AmLex came home half hour later and we smoked. Then a little while later he said he wanted to eat dinner, so of course I went downstairs and started making food. I refired my vegetables, thinking that would save me. Then I decided to add the Mex fake meat into that. Then Lex changes his mind and decided not to eat with me so I looked like a fcuking pig eating. I ate the whole effing stirfry! Omg I suck. I thought eating all that crap at my grandma's was bad, but I came home and made it even worse. What the hell happened? I didn't and wasn't even expected to eat much of anything on Thanksgiving and I still managed to fcuk up again and again.
Now I am just laying here in bed feeling like shit. My legs feel and look fat. My whole body feels fat. Skinny ass Lex is here, he ate way more than me on Thanksgiving and is still all fcuking skin and bones.
He doesn't understand. I can't believe I fcuking told him that I have an ED because he doesn't even give a shit. He is so fcuking CLUELESS! I wanted his help last night when I knew a binge was about to start. I wished he asked if I was ok or if I needed to talk or something! I tried talking to him but he was passed out and kept going back to sleep every time I woke him up. It was not even 6 o'clock in the afternoon and he already wanted to go to bed? I couldn't believe this shit. Fcuk I wanted help and to talk to someone about it so I could stop my binge but he wouldn't because he clearly is too clumsy and oblivious to realize anything. He hasn't even asked me how I'm doing, none the less even mention about my ED or if there's anything he can do to help. Fucker!!! FML I am so pissed and hurt that he doesn't care or want to help. And he's the only one I've told so who the Fcuk else can I talk to?!? It would've been nice to talk about my ED with him, but no he allowed me to keep going downstairs into the kitchen to eat more and more. WTF. Fcuk this. I should have never told him because he keeps acting like it doesn't even exist. Fuck this shit.

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Thanksgiving or not
moose hi5
earlymisty

Just got done with Thanksgiving at my mom's. I didn't really get to eat anything again. Why am I so upset that there was no food for me? I should be grateful that there was nothing vegan for me to eat, but I was so upset today. All I ate was some stuffed butternut squash. I wouldn't have minded a salad, but whatever, I should be starving anyway. I tried purging that small portion of squash, but couldn't in the time I had.
Now we are waiting to eat dessert. I made a vegan pumpkin pie and I'm hoping I hate it so I don't gorge out on that. And if I do, well I'll just have to purge that too if I can make it away from everyone.
I can hear them talking downstairs about me and my vegan diet. I feel like the black sheep. And I felt so embarrassed eating none of the food that everyone else was eating. I should be happy that it was so easy for me to eat barely anything today, but I'm not. I was looking forward to today and being with everyone, but today was awful.

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Mirrors
moose hi5
earlymisty

Mirrors suck. I never look the same in them. The ones at my grandma's make me look fat, the one at my mom's makes me look normal I think and the one in her room makes me look super skinny. So which one can I trust?!?

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